The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parady
by Lady Rava
Summary: An extremely idiotic fic coauthored with Princess Stormy, in which we attempt to make fun of every Sailor Moon character in existence. But we love the show. Really we do ^_^.
1.

Stormy: Hello and welcome to The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody. I am Princess Stormy, but most people drop the title and just call me Stormy. (Smiles sweetly) I first want to thank you for coming in to read our fanfic. Then, I want my partner to introduce herself. But unfortunately, she found our old recipe for blue spam and chocolate chip cookies. Oh... wait... here she comes now...  
Rava rushes in with dough in her hair: Did I miss my intro? No...? Um...yes...oh well. Hello and welcome...she already said that, didn't she?  
Stormy: yes...  
Rava facefaults: umm...ok...hi I'm Lady Rava, Rava for short and... STORMY!!  
Get out of my cookies!!!  
Stormy, chocolate chip and blue spam cookie dough in her hands and mouth: I wasn't in your cookies!!!  
Rava: Yes you were! (Pauses) Put the mixing bowl back on the counter Stormy!   
Stormy, in her sweetest and most soothing voice: Rava-chan. Would *I* ever eat any of your cookie dough without your permission?  
Rava: Yes.  
Stormy: But I didn't! (Crosses her fingers) I promise!  
Rava, smiling brightly at the other girl: Oh! OK! Anyway, I should warn you that this is a parody (duh read the title), so don't get upset if we diss your favorite senshi; we're insulting all the senshi including our favorites too. We like all of the senshi...really we do! (Both authors cross their fingers behind their backs)...well except maybe Ami, Mamoru, Taiki, and of course the pink spore Chibi-usa, but who really likes them anyway?  
Stormy, glaring at Rava: "I" do!!! Mamo-chan is SUCH a hunk!!! And Chibi-usa is kinda cute... once you run over her... and Taiki looks good when you set him on fire. Then, he's moving too fast for you too see what he REALLY looks like. But I have to agree with you on Ami. She is SUCH a dork! I hope she gets eaten by a rabid donkey!  
Rava facefaults:...and you can send your flames to Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com, and remember to send me your glowing comments at Lady_Rava@aol.com.   
Stormy: Really Rava-chan! Do you ALWAYS have to make me look bad? YOU'RE the one who thinks Ami should be burned at the stake for ruining such a good and wonderful show like Sailor Moon. (Which does NOT belong to us by the way but to a glorious and generous goddess named Naoko Takeuchi. And we don't have ANY money at all because we spend it on those wonderful Sailor Moon products like art books, Cd's, movies, and cheap plastic moon rods that break the first time you hit someone over the head with them... so please don't sue us. However, those wonderful inventions called chocolate chip and blue spam cookies DO belong to us so please do NOT steal our creation without giving some credit. Arigato!   
Rava: You done?! Anyway, we will be writing our story in parts and I get to do the first part because I'm cooler.   
Stormy: Ha! You wish!  
Rava: ...Anyway...enjoy the show.  
  
P.S. By the way, the name of this story has nothing to do with the content. It's just so messed up that we had to give it an equally screwy name. Except for some references to what people could POSSIBLY be on to be so psycho, there is no drug content in this story. -Stormy  
  
The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody  
Prologue  
By: Lady Rava  
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing and insane content  
  
  
  
Chibi-usa: Hi howdy hi and welcome to "Losers Who Can't Do Shit" Game Show, a show for the little people, the normal people, the hairless people, and the dog shit people...  
  
A slightly spacey and insane Chibi-usa: The fourteen fingered people, the  
people who wet their bed, the people who eat sloppy joes with pickled honey, the people who will give me all their money... that's right YOU (in a wicked but still insane voice). I see you hiding beneath that chair taking the gum I saved. Do you think you are more important than me, all I suffered in SMR? I didn't even become a senshi until SMS and all I can do is shoot @$#$*# pink hearts that don't do shit. Now it is your turn to suffer ha ha ha Wheeze cough cough hack hack! Meat- Oops! I mean hairball.   
(She mutters to herself for a while before giving a sweet smile) I am so sweet and cute and everyyyyyone loves me. (She smiles brightly ignoring the sound of glass breaking and the millions of people who rush to get their cavities filled.)  
  
Chibi-usa squeals: I feel better! My psychiatrist told me this would work... um ...um (face faults) ok continuing on, drum roll please, and of course the psychotics, pyromaniacs, convicts, and losers!!!!!!!! I'm your host and fellow lose- Hey! Wait! I'm not saying that!  
  
Cameraman: It's in the cue cards you wrote last night, remember we were  
playing strip poker and you had a little too much to drink...  
  
Chibi-usa: That was NOT me, that was... Usagi-chan (sweat drop) yeah ummm alright... I'm, cough cough, your host Chibi-usa   
(pauses, listens for cheers, hearing none shrugs and continues), and today we have a loser who is the ultimate of loserdom, so stupid, so freakin' insane...  
  
Mamoru weakly: um Chan-chan do you have to be so... descriptive?  
  
Chan: Shut up! This is my intro, as I was saying a loser so freakin' insane that even a padded cell, two straight jackets and...Usagi-chan's cookies couldn't tranquilize him, even if he is kinda hunky...  
  
Mamoru: What?!  
  
Chibi-usa: Um...nothing. ANYway I introduce to you the most supreme loser in the SM world...MAMORU  
(Mamoru grins and waves at the camera proudly showing off his bright pink nail polish. The camera zooms in on him sitting at a table eating what looks to be spaghetti and meatballs)  
  
Chibi-usa: Now Mamoru is here to...um, Mamoru-san are those meatballs... yellow?  
(Mamoru screams like a girl franticly trying to cover up the meatballs managing to cover Chibi-usa in marinara sauce)  
Mamoru: No why would you think that cough wheeze oops hairball.  
  
Chibi-usa: Good because if those are what I think they are...You DO know what the penalty is for confusing the Japanese and US versions of SM. Odangos are a desert; you don't eat them with spaghetti.  
  
Mamoru replies smoothly: no of course not oh wise Chibi-usa-chan, these meatballs aren't yellow they're norrrrrmal.  
  
(He pulls a pink bow out of the spaghetti and hands it to Chibi-usa), here have a present.  
Chibi-usa takes the bow and pins it in her hair pleased that the sauce she's covered in matches the stains on the bow)  
Chibi-usa: Why thank you, anyway Mamo-chan gets so sick of Usagi-chan...  
  
Mamoru: Yum, tastes good with chicken  
  
Chibi-usa smiles weakly and face faults: ...that he decides to dump her fortunately... I mean unfortunately somewhere he snaps and decides to kill her.   
So after an incredibly long intro, in a land of beauty...no wait that's not right, I mean in a normal average land... wrong again, crap ok in a really messed up place our story begins.  
Mamoru smiles brightly at the audience: Have a good time now okey-day. (Not noticing (of course) that the audience is empty.)  
  
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com  



	2. 

The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody  
Part 1  
By: Princess Stormy  
Rating: G (Sorry this is so short. I was dead tired when I tried to write it so, OF COURSE it came came out crappy. But Rava-chan's part is so funny and LONG that this pathetic attempt is made up for (Rava: aww isn't see sweet!) Also, I promise in my next part to make it funnier and longer.)  
  
(Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, we don't have any money anyway so please don't sue us!)  
  
  
"Mamo-chan!" Shrieked a high-pitched voice. "Wait up! Ouf!"   
The dark haired young man turned around and sighed as he watched Usagi pick herself up off the ground.  
"Usako." He replied in a "less than thrilled" voice. His blonde girl friend was getting very "shoelaces tied together" lately. Well... more so than her normal ditzy self.   
"Mamo-chan!" She sniffed as she wobbled up. She looked hurt. "How could you leave without trying some of my fresh chocolate chip and blue spam cookies?!"   
Mamoru gagged. *and face faulted* "Umm... Usako... I umm... I'm allergic... uh... sorry..."   
She smiled at him. "But luckily for you..." She whipped a brown paper bag out from behind her back. "I brought some for you to try!"   
She pulled a cookie out of the bag and approached him, almost threateningly with it.   
He put his hands up in front of him and backed away "No Usako.... please."  
"Oh don't be silly!" She laughed. To his frightened ears, it sounded like the laugh of a mad woman. "Just try it Mamo-chan! It won't kill you!"   
(Stormy: *snickers* "That is STRICTLY a matter of opinion"   
Rava, nodding solemnly: yes, but it reminds me of our cooking.  
Stormy: But MINE isn't that bad. I actually paid attention in teen living in sixth grade. (Rava snorts disbelievingly)  
Stormy: well…the cooking part at least!  
Rava: yeah…right.   
*They stick their tongues out at each other in a "Rei and Usagi" fashion. *)  
"Just put it down Usako..." He pleaded. "Please! Don't hurt anyone! You don't have to do this. You can just put the cookie away!" His eyes were wide like a frightened rabbit's.   
She leapt at him. He dodged. She leapt again. And again he dodged. This time she fell and he took off at a faster than humanly possible run. The fear of Usagi's cooking can do that to a person.  
When he finally slowed, he realized he was in the park. Many miles from his starting point, he relaxed, sure that not even Usagi, as good of a "boyfriend locator" as she was, couldn't find him.  
"Here Mamo-chan!" She said, stuffing a cookie in his mouth.  
He was so surprised he swallowed it. Then he fell over. Feeling a burning fire run through his body, he writhed and screamed like a girl.   
An elderly couple stopped on their walk by to stare at the young man who appeared to be in great pain. Or just crazy.   
"Don't be alarmed folks!" Usagi grinned. "He's just totally nuts about my cookies." A light bulb flashed in her head and her eyes lit up blindingly. Reaching in the bag, she pulled out another cookie. She thrust it at the couple. "Here, try one." The lady reached out and took it tentatively. She smelled it then took a big bite. "They're a new recipe I made up!" She said, she did not see the lady face fault. "Chocolate chip and blue spam!" The lady choked and gagged as Usagi turned to find Mamoru out cold. "Oh damn!" She yelled. "Mamo-chan! You're always falling asleep you lazy bum!"   
(Rava: *snorts* "She's one to talk!"   
Stormy: "Doh! Why do you always have to point out the obvious?"  
Rava: "Because she's such a... such a... a... whatever you call it...-"  
Stormy: "Hypocrite?"   
Rava: "Yeah. She's such a hypocrite! I mean, she's the one sleeping all the time!"   
Stormy: "So? I could do with some sleep right about now. And you could too, from how mean you're being."  
*They blow raspberries at one another*)  
  
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com  



	3. 

The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody  
Part 2  
By: Lady Rava  
Rating: PG-13 For that wonderfully insane content that you have come to expect from us.  
  
Rava: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!   
(Both Stormy and Rava run and dive for shelter behind the couch. Suddenly, a loud explosion is heard from Stormy's kitchen and fragments of pink and red fly everywhere.   
Stormy, peering over the couch: Baka! I told you Chibi-usa wasn't edible, you can't even bake her. And what's Elios gonna do to us when he finds out that we tried to make her into cherry bon-bons, using her as the filing?!  
Rava whines: I don't want Elios to hate us, he has such a sexy voice…why does that spore Chibi-usa get him?  
Stormy patting Rava on the head: There, there Rava-chan. When I finally hook him we'll share. I'm sure I can teach you to ride…  
Rava looks at Stormy: Ecchi!!!  
Stormy defensively: Hey! I was talking about riding Pegasus! Although, he DOES have the most gorgeous eyes. And his voice could melt Princess Snow Kaguya in her tracks. (Stormy shivers in delight)  
Rava: ANYWAY! (sweatdrops) We need to get on with this.  
Stormy awakening from her fantasy: Oh! Yes! Right! On we go! (Whistles that annoying little dwarf tune.)  
Rava: So here's the story folks.  
  
(Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, and we promise to return the characters unharmed…(facefaults) well, slightly unharmed…err that is we'll brainwash them into forgetting the traumatic events they endured in this fanfic. We don't have any money anyway so please don't sue us)  
  
(Mentos is not owned by us, and, as far we know, has no life-saving capabilities.)  
  
Thank you for reading all this crap, and not suing us. We really appreciate it.  
  
  
Translucent streams of rich gold and red blanketed the streets of Tokyo; caressing the rough, forlorn pavement with a feather-like touch. Above a solitary blue jay glided gently through the soft sun-enriched thermals. Although beautiful, the morning sunrise was nothing but ordinary scenery to the bird, who instead turned its attention to a far more interesting sight. The many people who traveled the streets of Tokyo usually provided no more than moderate interest to the blue jay; however, this warm spring day one figure...well simply stuck out.  
"NO! This can't be happening," a masculine voice screamed. "I can't have lost them, the fate of this world depends on them." Ignoring the startled looks from people nearby, the figure frantically searched for the apocalyptic preventing device.   
"NO, God please no anything but this…" the figure wailed, falling to its knees. "Please! Just take me instead, don't harm them…" Above a neon sign flashed and the figure received an instant revelation. Sighing with relief, Haruka realized her Mickey Mouse sunglasses were still perched firmly upon her nose. With a quick glance to confirm the integrity of her mission had not been compromised, she removed her small, compact communications device. Lifting the big Luna-like ball to her mouth Haruka quickly uttered her secret password...err that is quickly screamed her "secret" password.  
"PUFFY ORANGE MARSHMALLOWS!"  
"Ok, ok...Haruka I CAN hear you," came the reply.  
"Shh, use my code name, the ears have walls you know!" she said, naturally still screaming into the ball.   
"Ok..." She sighed softly, "Mr. Milkshake Man...but isn't it the walls have ears?"  
Slightly confused Haruka glanced around, lifting the ball she repeated her partner's code name, "Sexy Teddy Bear?"  
Michiru sighed, "What...Mr. Milkshake Man?  
Haruka quickly glanced around to confirm her suspicion. "There aren't any ears on the wall...Michiru?"  
Michiru had picked up a gun, prepared to end it all, and pointed it at her head and, finding it wasn't loaded…   
"DAMN IT," screaming with rage, she flung the empty gun aside.  
"Sexy Teddy Bear? Come in...Are the eggs well done? I repeat are the eggs well done?  
"YOUR @$#&%# MISSION IS FINE HARUKA! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BUY A DRESS!"  
"Shh... Don't let anybody hear that… word, my reputation's at stake." With that she ran "surreptitiously" down the street.  
Now our hidden camera circles the street to give us a different perspective...Oh look there's our creamy heroine throwing herself onto a car top to catch a quick ride. With her large green overcoat, oversized purple cowboy hat, combat boots, and, of course her Mickey Mouse sunglasses, she's practically invisible. Bringing the camera in closer we can hear the helpful advice given by other drivers.  
"AHHH: AN ALIEN, CALL 911!"  
"PERVERT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"  
"KILL THE MONSTER!"  
"DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY HORSERADISH?"  
Haruka smiled and waved, thanking the people for their advice. Dodging vegetables, she leaned forward and made vroom sounds.  
Curious as always, our solitary blue jay came in for a closer look. Landing on the road, the bird looked up to see a purple hat on the hood of a car…  
THUMP  
  
* * *  
  
"Mamo-chan! Wake up!"  
Usagi frantically shook the now nearly comatose Mamoru, searching for some sign of life. After several hours of attempting to awaken our friendly "bum", via flamethrower, chain saw, hand grenade (etc.), Usagi had finally realized that Mamoru was not simply asleep.   
  
(Rava: that's got to be a record, I thought it would've taken her longer. Stormy whacks her on the head with one of her cheap plastic moon rods: Shut up and keep writing I want to know what else Usagi is going to do to Mamoru. Rava whips out Uranus's "borrowed" space sword and chops Stormy's moon rod in half, Stormy whips out another and Rava chops it again. Stormy pulls out another cheap plastic moon rod...  
  
Several hours, and hundreds of cheap plastic moon rods later:  
Rava: Whew! (Wipes sweat off her face), that was tiring. Stormy laughs tiredly: just finish the story, I have to go order another truckload of moon rods.   
Rava: The cheap plastic kind?   
Stormy: naturally.)  
"OH NO! I'LL HAVE TO GIVE HIM CPR!" Usagi screamed. With a slightly determined look on her face she gently picked up Mamoru's hand and blew into it twice, then she moved by his leg and compressed it fifteen times. After taking his pulse at the top of his head she wailed, "NO, he can't be dead." Painfully lifting her head she begged bystanders nearby for help.  
As Usagi had suspected, bystanders were more than eager to help. A couple of men rushed over and proceeded to help Mamoru by relieving him of unnecessary belongings.  
"Quick, grab his wallet."  
"Oooh look a gold card."  
"Cool a fake Swiss watch."  
Even after the men's help Usagi was forced to admit that Mamoru looked no better. After a quick assessment of the contents of her bag, Usagi removed a small capsule and gently fed one of its contents to Mamoru.  
Mamoru coughed weakly, "Usako?"  
"Mamo-chan! You're awake... Oh my God it worked!  
"What worked?"  
Ignoring Mamoru, Usagi turned to the camera and raised a tube in her fist. Smiling brightly she said "Mentos! The Fresh-maker!"  
"Um Usako what are you doing?"  
Usagi frowns, "Nothing."  
"Oh, ok. Want to go for a walk?"  
"Ok."  
* * * *  
  
It was strangely quiet for a Saturday, at least compared to the usual confusion amidst the dark twisting corridors, and the signs that could be labeled nothing short of misleading. Yes, the airport was certainly less crowded than usual, the figure mused, but then again that suited her just fine. Turning her attention to an overhead sign she allowed her thoughts to wander. Remembering her nearly completed scheme, she sighed with pleasure, who would have thought pickled ham would have such a negative effect on an airplane engine. Ah yes, she would have her revenge, and flight 123 would suffer. Clanging overhead interrupted her from her pleasant if not devious plan. Covering her ears to block out what sounded like an elephant stampede, the figure slowly turned...  
"HURRY UP! We're going to miss our flight. RUN, DORK-GIRL, RUN! I SAID MOVE!"  
Ami turned just in time to see an object of Rei's anger projected at her. (In other words: fire shot at her butt.) Screaming in pain she darted down the corridor...and collided with a figure laughing deviously, rendering her unconscious. Feeling a quick burst of flame, Ami resumed her strenuous pace.  
  
"Do you see her?"  
"NO. She's like totally too far ahead."  
"Once I find that fire-whore I'm gonna beat the crap out of her," Makoto growled, running though the crowded corridors. Naturally she stopped now and then to bash a few heads, allowing her ditzy friend to keep up.  
"Like oh my like God, there's like an unconscious like women against the wall," Minako said worried.  
"It's Queen Beryl! And there's a note in her hand." After a crinkling of paper, Makoto read, "Die flight 123,die. Hmm I wonder what that means," she frowned slightly, then shrugged. "Oh well," she said, throwing a punch in Beryl's face. "Lets go, our flight leaves in four hours we're gonna be late."  
"Which flight are we like on?" Minako manages in the midst of running.  
"Flight 123"  
"O.k."  
Minako knew she should be happy at the chance to stop running, but running into Makoto, who for some strange reason had halted in mid-stride, was less than fun.  
"Like ow!"  
Makoto ignored her, frozen in her spot. "That guy looks just like my last sempai!"  
Looking up Minako wrinkled her brow in confusion, "But isn't that, like, a girl?"  
  
-FOUR HOURS LATER-  
  
"Last call for flight 12..uh 3. I repeat last call for flight 123.  
"Make way, coming though!" These were the last words heard by numerous coma victims, their last sight being what they described as a 'brown pony-tail of death'. "Whew, we made it," Makoto sighed in relief. Minako sank into a seat next to Ami, who had, wisely, chosen to sit behind Rei. "Like that took forever, we were like so totally lost that I like thought we were like gonna die," Minako wailed to Ami. Ami scowled slightly, paying no attention to Minako, she was, at the moment, thoroughly engaged applying ace bandages and gauze to her uh... injured area.  
Likewise Makoto chose a seat next to a still fuming Rei. "Took you long enough," Rei grumbled.  
Makoto slammed Rei repeatedly into the wall, "Now listen fire-whore and listen good. The fact that we are late is you #@$%*@# fault, if you hadn't run so freaking fast, I'd a never been left with a blond ditz who couldn't find her way out of a paper bag."  
"You wanna die you boy-crazy slut!" Rei shouted  
"You think you got it, I'm gonna beat the crap outta you."  
"You both are big meanies," Ami cut in.  
(Stormy: Oooh, that's gotta hurt.)  
"SHUT UP," they snapped in unison.  
*BEEP* The following fight is censored, all we know is that it involved some big flames, sizzling lightning zaps, and lots of punches. However; some sounds such as: "SHIT!" and "OUCH!" could be heard amidst the dust cloud. Behind our unfriendly brawl we see Minako reading a magazine, glad her two friends are finally getting along, and Ami crying her eyes out. That's it for today we now return you to our regularly scheduled program with another annoying...*BEEP*  
  
* * *  
  
  
"I hate this job," Lori grumbled, stacking cheap plastic trays on top of each other. But as a stewardess she had to be cheerful, so with a sigh she fixed a fake, plastic, Barbie-smile on her face, lowered her gas mask, and wheeled the trays of food to awaiting passengers.  
She wheeled the cart to a stop when the smell of blood broke her out of her reverie. Looking up she saw two girls with matted hair, burned and scratched faces, and torn, blood-ridden clothes. She wrinkled her nose, "God, what teenagers will do for fashion," she mumbled under her breath. Smiling she said, "Would you like the chicken or the fish?"  
"What?! You call this food?!" the browned haired fashion victim said, "How dare you bring me less than superb quality food?! No matter; I'll fix this!" she said tying a red cape around her shoulders. "I command you to take me to your kitchen!"  
A sudden lurch took care of the food problem, as it was now splattered all over the floor, and looking slightly more edible. The plane shook, then steeply nose-dived.  
"PLEASE EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE," came a voice from a nearby intercom. "THE PLANE IS CURRENTLY CRASHING, BY THE TIME YOU HEAR THIS MESSAGE YOUR LOYAL PILOT AND COPILOTS HAVE ALREADY JUMPED OUT THE PLANE, WE URGE YOU TO EVACUATE IN A CALM, ORDERLY MATTER. BUT WE REALLY DON'T CARE IF YOU LIVE OR NOT. HAVE A NICE DAY.  
Paranoia gripped the passengers as they all fought to jump the plane. Fortunately, Rei's fire and Makoto's punches allowed our four misfits to be some of the first to jump...  
"WEEEEE," the girls shouted, "this is fun."  
"I get this feeling we forgot something," Makoto said.  
"Like what?" Rei questioned, "OH MY GOD WE FORGOT PARACHUTES!  
"AHHHH"  
"Like wait a second," Minako said having just gotten an idea, (definitely a new thing for her) "Like can't cartoon characters fall and like not get hurt?"  
"I never thought of that...but, hey! We're not cartoons we're anime!" Makoto protested.  
"Maybe it'll work anyway," Ami chimed in...  
SPLASH  
Our "heroes" plunged into the icy depths of the ocean, and emerged wet, but alive on a deserted island. Tired from their ordeals they sat down to dry off.  
  
-30 MINUTES LATER-  
  
Rei fumed remembering the scene that had taken place just a few minutes ago. She had been sitting there, tired when she realized her "friends" were all chewing bubblegum. After being refused a piece she had tried everything from begging to threats, but nothing had worked. "I WILL get their bubblegum," she vowed, "even if I have to kill them I'll get it, ha ha ha ha." After a few minutes of maniacal laughter she began to set her plan in motion.  
  
* * *  
  
"Ok, here's the deal," Makoto said to the senshi. "It looks like we're stranded on an island, and I don't know about you but I'm staving."  
"It has been an hour since we last ate," Ami agreed.  
"Like yeah, we're all like gonna die of starvation," Minako wailed.  
"So our first objective find food," Makoto continued, "I suggest we power-up..."  
"But isn't Rei-chan like, already powered up?" Minako questioned.  
"No."  
"Then, like, how does she, like, totally shoot fire."  
Rei shrugged, "Beats me."  
"Okay let's power… wait a minute. What transformation phrase are we supposed to shout anyway?" Makoto said.  
"That depends on what season of Sailor Moon we're in, lets consult the script." Ami put in, reaching into her pocket she pulled out two wads of paper. "Now, do we want the Japanese or the dub version?"  
"Hmm..." Rei said deep in thought, "Well, we all have Japanese names, and the outer senshi are in it and plus the dub version sucks, and we're cool, so I guess it would have to be the Japanese version."  
"Ok, so we have to say make-up...crap these pages are too wet to read. Oh well we'll just have to say what we think is right," Ami continued.  
Raising a pen she shouted:  
"MERCURY POWER!"  
"LIKE, VENUS, LIKE, STAR, LIKE, POWER!"  
"JUPITER PUNCH POWER!"  
"MARS BUBBLEGUM POWER!"  
"MAKE-UP!" they shouted in unison.  
  
* * *  
  
  
Mamoru walked hand in with Usagi, deep in thought. As was normal when he thought he sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in a high-pitched soprano voice. His thoughts drew to his favorite subject: how to break up with Usagi as "gently" as possible. He had already prepared to stick out his foot and trip her so he could laugh at her, when he heard Usagi's earsplitting shriek. Mamoru looked up to see Usagi transform to Sailor Moon, quickly looking away at the part where she was naked, and saw a youma in the distance. He was preparing to transform, when a siren interrupted him.  
  
* * *  
  
Bob the policeman pulled up to curb with a sigh. He'd received a complaint to arrest a young woman for public nudity. She should have two odangos on her head and a thin figure. Walking over to the young couple the officer realized he had a problem. Even with his description he couldn't tell the two apart, he mulled over it for a while the best possible decision. Grabbing Mamoru by the arm he said, "Young lady, you are under arrest for public nudity."  
"What?!"  
"You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." The officer continued leading Mamoru to a squad car.  
  
  
Stormy: That makes sense, Mamoru is so feminine.  
Rava: True, and he is a soprano.  
Stormy: That's a point in his favor  
Rava: You want some pickled ham?  
Stormy: Sure, you have any blue spam cookies?  
Rava: No, but I have some Strawberry icing...  
Stormy: STRAWBERRY ICING! Give me some...  
  
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com  



	4. 

The Senshi Crackhouse: A Sailor Moon Parody  
Part 3  
By: Princess Stormy  
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing and completely insane content and a few slightly ecchi references.  
  
Stormy: Oh! Look! The chicken is on a wire! Watch out Rava! The two wires are gonna touch!!! (There is a loud ZAP and the smell of yummy fried chicken drifts on the wind. Rava enters the house, cackling and carrying an old detergent bucket.  
Rava: Look! A free bucket of chicken! Why wait for the delivery guy when you can make your own using your neighbor's pet. (Takes a big bite of a leg and grins) just like KFC makes it.  
Stormy: Oh really? Is that so? (sweatdrops) Anyway…(smiles at the readers) I've been working hard to bring you the funniest story I possibly can. And, while it's not perfect…Hell, it's really messed up…  
Rava: You can say that again!  
Stormy: Rest assured it is much better than my last part.  
Rava: Thank God!  
  
(Sailor Moon is not our property, and, because we don't want to be sued, we have sent all our to support the show by buying all the "useless crap" our parents will allow. Now, thanks to Visa Platinum, my room is a Sailor Moon shrine. (Just how I like it!) Anyway, we do own the infamous "chocolate chip blue spam cookies" that are featured so regularly in this so screwed up fanfic, However, we at the "Senshi Crackhouse Cooking Company" flat out refuse to take any responsibility for anyone who is killed by eating them. Nope, don't even try to blame us! You're the one who made them, baka. Don't you think it's unwise to make ANYTHING with blue spam? (Rava: no)…(facefault) And now on with the fanfic.)  
  
  
  
The sand glinted in a golden color of the softest of sunsets. The sapphire waters were calm and tropical fish darted to and fro beneath the surface and a warm breeze caressed the island like the touch of a flower.   
Four beautiful girls stood on the shore in a circle. As the camera zoomed in, you could hear the girls talking.  
"Listen fire-whore, if you want to die…" Makoto began.  
"It's not MY fault the @*$%#!$ plane crashed! Minako was the one who brought 200 suitcases, handbags and duffle bags. And that you guys are too goody-goody to give me a piece of gum!" Rei screamed back.  
"Like, aren't we, like, supposed to, like, split up and, like, meet back here in, like, and hour?" Minako asked, her brow furrowed in deep concentration. She appeared to be in pain for a moment, but then looked ok. "Like, at least that's what they did on, like, 'The Island of Fantasies', like, on Skin-a-max, like, last week." She blushed a deep red as the other scouts peered at her curiously.  
"Skin-a-max?" Ami asked, obviously not as TV literate as her friends.   
Makoto rolled her eyes. "It's a channel where all they do is fu-"  
Rei slapped a hand over Jupiter's mouth. "Shut up lightning slut! You'll put her into shock and we don't have any of Usagi's cookies to threaten her with!"  
Makoto, realizing the truth of this statement, immediately shut up.  
"But what's skin-a-max?!" Ami demanded. The other girls ignored her.   
"Actually, I think for once, Minako-chan has something right!" Rei exclaimed, her eyes lighting.  
"I do?" Minako asked incredulously.  
"She does?" Makoto and Ami echoed.  
Makoto put the back of her hand to Rei's forehead. "Rei, are you feeling alright?"  
"Yes! Here, let me take your temperature Rei!" Ami exclaimed, producing a long thermometer and a small tube of Vaseline.   
"AHHHHH!" Rei shrieked at the top of her lungs. "NONONONONONONONO!"  
Jupiter and Venus looked at Mercury and Mars as the blue one chased the fire one around and around.   
"Rei, you can't be sick. If you are, we have to know so it doesn't spread."  
Minako snickered. "I, like, bet that's, like, the only thing, like, you, like, don't want to, like, spread."  
"Ok… guys… If we could get over the whole Neptune/Uranus, Haruka/Michiru thing and get on with our plot?" Makoto snapped.  
The other senshi stopped and nodded.   
"So… we split up and find what we need to survive." Ami stated. "Everyone got it? Good! Meet back here at 4:00 pm. Lets synchronize out watches."  
"Um… Ami?" Makoto asked gently.  
"Hmmm?"   
"We don't wear watches." Rei told her softly.  
"Oh." Ami's voice was crestfallen.  
"Like, yeah, cause we, like, have lives." (I'm sure you can guess who the clueless blonde that said that was.)  
"Well, meet back here before dark. K?" Ami asked hopefully.  
"OK!" The senshi yelled like cheerleaders then raced off in different directions. They managed to run into each other before doing so though. So no one totally escaped with out injury.   
************************** ****************************  
Mamoru gazed pitifully out of his jail cell. His hands caressed the cold steel bars and he sighed. The bright pink of his satin prison uniform contrasted nicely with the black steel.   
"But Ms. Prison Guard! PLEASE!" He begged.  
"Fine!" She finally gave in. "But you have to let Guido do them! He' s absolutely wonderful!" She handed Mamoru a small bottle of a bright pink liquid that matched his uniform. Shrieking happily, the dark haired prisoner skipped over to the sinister, disgustingly huge Italian man on the bench in the cell.   
"Guido! Would paint my nails for me?" Mamoru begged, falling to his knees.  
"What was that?" Guido asked, glowering at his dark haired prison mate.  
"Pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar and strawberries on top?" Mamoru continued.   
"O.k.!" The giant man agreed, smiling widely.   
"Goody, goody gumdrop!" Mamoru shrieked happily.  
*******************************************************  
  
"So… miss." Brenda smiled fakely. Today had just been too much. And now, here was this weirdo woman in a totally last millennium, purple cowboy hat who wanted to buy a dress for a "top secret mission".   
"Miss?" She tried again. The woman kept glancing around her and winking. "Hey! Freak in the green overcoat!" She finally screamed. The woman looked at her. Brenda took a moment to admire the woman's red, apocalyptic preventing, Mickey Mouse sunglasses.  
"Shhhh… don't let anyone here that word." The fashion wreck motioned wildly with her hands, managing to knock down an entire display of tomato juice. Ignoring the mess, she demanded, "Also could you NOT call me miss? I am the man in my relationship. And as I told you before… I NEED A DRESS!!!! But it's a secret so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Now, pulling a giant black ball out of her…er… HIS pocket, the lady… um… gentleman…. spoke into it… uhhh…. that is… screamed…. into it.  
"PUFFY ORANGE MARSHMALLOWS!!!!"   
"Haruka-" Began a beautiful, green-blue haired woman on screen of the ball. At the same time, Brenda was contemplating how the blonde woman had fit such a huge thing into her pocket.   
"Are you a sailor senshi?" Brenda asked, visibly excited.  
"No! Whatever would make you think that?" Demanded Michiru, tossing her hair as she transformed. "Now… as Haruka was saying, she needs a dress."   
"Michiru!" Haruka wailed. "Don't say that around the ears with walls!"  
Michiru looked despairingly at the sale's manager. "Within this Luna Ball, I have placed secret information on Tenoh Haruka. This vital information includes her measurements and sizes she wears. It is essential that you get this information to the ladies department as soon as possible. Please help me Brenda-san!" She bowed her head. " You're my only hope." And with that, her image fuzzed and disappeared.   
Brenda sweatdropped. "What a freak!" She thought to herself. "The pair of them." But she covered her doubts of the women's sanity… or lack there of, with a Aquafresh-white smile. "So… sir… how about taking a stroll with me over to the dress department?"   
The blonde woman looked down at her and winked. "Oh! I see! You want to go for a walk with me. What are you doing later?"   
Brenda, fearful for her life, responded with the safest answer she could think of. "Washing my non-existent poodle." She held her breath, hoping this Haruka character was as dense as melted marshmallows.   
"Non-existent poodle?! Hey! My Sexy Teddy Bear, Kaioh Michiru, has been wanting one of those since we met." She scratched her head thoughtfully and a blue jay feather drifted to the floor. "But where do you get those?"  
(Rava enters and sees Stormy destroying the noble image of one of her beloved outer senshi.  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?! Stop *sniffle sniffle* hurting her!!!" She glares at the other girl and hits her over the head, repeatedly, with her new art books. "Bakabakabakabaka…"  
"Please!" Stormy gasps, "Forgive me oh great bringer of manga and pain! I'll fix it!"  
"Good!" Sniffs Rava and sits and stares over Stormy's shoulder as the younger author begins to type once more. This time, glorifying the great Tenoh Haruka.)  
"Wait!" Brenda suddenly stopped in her tracks. She and the incredibly hunky female senshi had been strolling along having an incredibly intelligent conversation about non- existent poodles-   
(Rava raises the art books threateningly) - Ummm that is… about the lovely weather… (Rava glares at the younger girl) … about astrophysics and the effect of the planets' gravitational pull on the migratory pattern of the Blue Footed Booby. (The smile that lights Rava's face… couldn't light a matchbox. "It's acceptable." Stormy sighs in relief and continues typing about the brave, daring, dashing, incredibly intelligent and impeccably dressed Haruka.)  
Brenda had finally recognized the blonde Princess… err Prince Charming. "Tenoh Haruka as in the racecar driver?" At the imperial nod from the racing queen…err… king… she fell to her knees in reverence. Many on lookers also rushed over to worship the great Haruka. Soon, the chant of "Tenoh Haruka, the mighty, great, and impeccably dressed one is among us!" filled the Super K-Mart.   
(Rava smiles radiantly and pats Stormy on the head. "There's a good little slave of She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru!" The completely insane Rava chuckles and skips merrily into the kitchen to devour some of the poisonous, totally inedible Devil's Food Cake they made earlier.   
"Hope she chokes on it!" Stormy mutters under her breath. She then smiles sweetly at the faithful readers, her face a beacon of hope amongst the insanity of Haruka-worship. (Not that I have anything against her!!!) "I'm so sorry about that last part. But now… DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE! And I can get back to making Haruka look like a total baka!)  
  
Motioning regally to her worshipers, the blonde announced, "Hey everyone! There's a sale on prune juice and blue-spam cookies in isle 200!" In the mad rush of ravenous shriners, Haruka managed to drag Brenda to the little girl's section. Squealing, she shrieked, "Oh My God, Brenda! Look at those dresses! They are so cute!"   
Brenda looked to the sky despairingly, mumbling something about the dresses being too small for a grown woman. Haruka laughed at the thought. Why, SHE was as flexible as any child and she was sure she could get those size double zero, Barbie underwear on her head. Running about, she quickly picked an item from almost every rack. Then, she proceeded to the changing room where she tore her clothes off (do NOT put a hentai joke or even thought here!… well… maybe a thought…) in her eagerness to get the tiny dresses on.   
"Brenda-chan!" She screeched bursting, at last, from the dressing room. Doing exaggerated modeling moves and running her hands through her hair and tossing it, Haruka posed for the saleswoman to flashy and cheesy music that began to play. "Do you think I look better in the pink…?" She twirled, the frothy skirt touching her nose. Then, she zipped back in and out of the dressing room, this time in a dress identical to the first but violet. "…Or do you like the purple better?"   
"Whatever you want, Mr. Tenoh." Brenda sighed, tending to her bruises from the mob of high Haruka-worshipers.   
  
Haruka emerged from the 'high fashion' store, a white, crinkly, plastic bag in her hand. Michiru was sitting in the passenger's seat of the blonde's banana yellow sports car, reading a novel entitled "Ten Signs It's Time to Leave Your Psychotic, Self-Absorbed, Cross-dressing, Manly, and Impeccably Dressed Lesbian Lover: One girl's true and inspiring (not to mention SERIOUSLY disturbing) Story". When she noticed, her psychotic, self-absorbed, cross-dressing, manly, and impeccably dressed (even though she was in rags) lesbian lover sitting in the driver's seat, she smiled.   
"So, Haruka… what did you get?" Michiru asked, at the other woman put the car in gear and pulled out.   
"Well I really couldn't decide which dress I liked better so I got two!" The blonde passed her crinkly prize to the green haired woman. As Michiru pulled out the lavender and pink, size 3, little girl dresses, she smiled. Then she proceeded to hit her head repeatedly on the dashboard.   
  
(Stormy saves her part and scampers away as Rava comes back into the room.   
Screams can be heard from the street as Stormy runs into the sunset, hoping to outrun the psychotic She Who Worships Haruka and Michiru.)  
  
E-mail Lady Rava at Lady_Rava@aol.com and Princess Stormy at Goldstorm@sailormoon.com  



End file.
